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These cartoons are copyrighted by George B. Abbott, a freelance artist who works out of his Miami, Fla., home. These cartoons cannot be reproduced without permission of the artist. For information on purchasing George B. Abbott cartoons, send an e-mail inquiry to Editor Bill Hurley.

Archived cartoons

"Our players all give 110 percent. Which only proves that we have no math majors on the team."

"These days, it seems the political process leads to more checks and bigger balances."

"Yes, I want to see the conventional answer."

"What a day! The braces on my teeth kept setting off the school's new metal detector."

"So, Mrs. Burton, how long have you been teaching grade school?"

"We don't check references anymore. We check MySpace and YouTube."

"Yes, Byron, it is an honor to be selected as our school team's mascot. But must you wear that to class every day?"

"I'm going to become a lexicologist. I figure that will give my life a lot of meaning."

"Writing well. To write well you should avoid cliches like the plague."

"It looks like the school board is having another back to basics drive."

"I'm Bobby Filbert and my mother approved this message."

"Please, no talking."

"Wow! Multiple choice improved my guessing skills."

"I wonder: If I become a seismologist will I be on shaky ground?"

"I suppose the test will have true-falsetto questions?"

"You have to peel the orange before you eat it. One might say that a rind is a terrible thing to taste."

"Here, Mom. Look at what happens when you start thinking outside the box."

"Eating my homework did that to him. As they say, you are what you eat."

"They told me that today is locker cleaning day at school."

"What's with the 3 R's? Arithmetic doesn't start with an 'R'."

"Some of the same kids who bring you apples are putting cookies on your hard drive."

"Yes, he's a very nice fellow, but you must stop him from following you to school."

"Would you believe it? All this started one day when I followed Mary to school."

"He's a show dog so I brought him for show and tell."

"Go ahead, ask me any question. I'm pretending you're Regis Philbin."

"When I grow up, I want to meet the insurance needs of the rest of you."

"My parents want me to be happy, but mostly in the long term."

"Gordon, I'm afraid you are still confusing well and good."

"Boy, I just shiver every time she goes for the red pencil."

"Wouldn't it be easier for me to just earn an honorary degree later in life?"

"My oral report got a C from the teacher and a standing ovation from the class."

"Remember when all school kids had to worry about was nuclear attack?"

"Yes, we have books about the fear of heights. They're on the top shelf."

"We don't have any books. This is a cybrary."

Please exercise your right to remain silent.

"At least now we know I don't use performance-enhancing drugs."

"All the kids in class make fun of me because my cell phone doesn't take pictures."

"Our regular teacher was sick. We had a step-teacher today."

"Don't you have any inexact sciences?"

"Well, I suppose you're right, Arnold, zero is a perfect score."

"Would you believe I factored in the declining value of the dollar?"

"Well, I had another reality check today. I gave Miss Marko an apple but she still loaded me with homework."

"My dad says I'm the product of my heredity and the Internet."

"If I disapprove of judgmental people, am I being one of them?"

"Can you believe it? A black hole ate my homework!"

"So much for the presumption of innocence."

"Howard's dog ate my homework too."

"Today's assignment, class, is to balance my checking account."

"I can't come out Marty. I have to help my dad with my homework."

"Don't think of it as the bottom 10%. Think of me as being in the top 90%."

"Don't you just hate the way they over-commercialize?"

"You don't use that word here, even if it is in the dictionary."

"Isn't there any books that like me just the way I am?"

"I got an A in 'Could Do Better Work.'"

"Well, Maynard, if you study hard, then maybe someday you can have a cushion on your seat too. "

"They can't blame me for anything, they told me to be myself. "

"Sync or swim"

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Andrews, but we do not supply substitute teachers for home-schooling moms."

"I won't have to worry about mine since I've done a good job of lowering expectations."

"Will outsource your homework"

"I like to prepare my students for the real world."

"Don't they look like angels when they're resting?"

"If you'll excuse a hobby of mine, I've set Jessica's progress report to music."

"You can't expect me to go to school in this downpour, can you Mom?"

"One might say this book on Walden is very Thoreau."

"If I go in the library and do my homework, then it won't really be homework, will it?"

"Now remember class. The word for today is 'Velcro'. Don't forget to say it at home."

"I know I said that. Can I help it if I misquoted myself?"

1+1=2, 2+2=4, 3+3=6, etc.

"Now that's what I call a balanced meal."

"Golly, Dad, I've been trying not to be a perfectionist."

"Mr. Michaels, question number five was on Jeopardy last night."

"Believe me, you don't know the meaning of pressure until you move up from nursery school to kindergarten."

"You know what they say, Dad, the leaf doesn't fall far from the tree."

"Are you going to be the good cop or the bad cop?"

"Yes, Robert, I'm sure this note really is from your father. I recognize the misspellings."

"You told me to finish my work and then turn it into you."

"Instead of that would you read me my history assignment for tomorrow?"

"Might we say that fractions speak louder than words?"

"I don't think my teacher understands me, but she sure suspects a lot."

"Will you give me some time to come up with a better excuse than the one I had?"

"How can you flunk creative writing with all the great excuses you come up with?"

"Howard, you're a member of the Safety Committee, not the F.B.I."

"I just know my homework is somewhere here in my backpack."

"Well, that certainly was an interesting show and tell, Dudley."

"That's the kid I told you about. Either he'll become a lawyer one day or he'll be in constant need of one."

"I plead the Fifth ... and if it helps, the Sixth and Seventh too."

"My mom says just one more snow day and I'll be spending it with you."

"The teacher said I was really trying today - very trying."

"Golly, no, Mr. Haversham, my dog didn't eat my homework, but he did delete it from my computer before I could print it out."

"Miss Beckley said she'd give me a second chance for the third time."

"My excuse for being late is ... Stop me if you've heard this one."

"Go! To make the honor roll you must first make the attendance roll."

"I guess he means our summer vacation is almost over."

"Johnny! Please exercise your right to remain silent."

"Well, Mr. Baker, to put it mildly, I'm afraid your son has been using advanced verbal skills."

"But I am doing my homework, Mom. Haven't you heard of multi-tasking?"

"That's where they keep all the places we've never been to."

"You wouldn't want me to turn into a Type A personality, would you?"

"I warned you it had a surprise ending!""

" ... and I'm proud to say that 100% of our graduates will continue their education next fall!"

"I'm looking for some books in my size."

"All the other commencement speakers' fees were beyond our budget."

"Why would I look it up in a 'collegiate' dictionary? I'm only in the third grade."

During the graduation ceremonies, Edwin had become hypnotized by his tassle

Legal rights and referrals: 50 cents

"Remember, to them it's a cafeteria. To us, it's a food fight arena."

"I'd like you to put me on your 'do not call' list."

"The board has suggested we get back to the Dewey Decimal System, Mr. Cocker!"

"We think your hobby is gardening, Miss Finch, because you're always planting in us the seeds of success."

"Last night I figured I'd better do my homework. Here lately I've been having excuse block."

"Hi, Mom. My problem is that the math teacher causes division in the class."

"Shouldn't my grade average be adjusted for inflation?"

"Isn't that amazing? It all started with his eating the kids' homework"

"What's the opposite of 'Eureka'?"

"Byron, I'm afraid those plaid pants will not get you extra credit."

"Boy, what rotten luck. The guy in front of me didn't study for the test either."

"It's all those school computers. I probably have a computer virus."

"I'm looking for something that pays more than last year's tuition."

"I'm glad we have geography. Now I know where my dad's job was outsourced to."

"You said that imagination is very important. So let's all pretend that I did my homework."

" All I did was press the 'help' button."

"And now for our Winter graduates ... Darold Winter, Harriet Winter, James Winter and William Winter."

"I think I've discovered why a two-pound box of chocolates
turns into four pounds of fat."

"... And so, at the end of the month you add up your receipts and your expenses. Then you try to borrow the difference."

"Guess what. I got a B when I changed my cooking assignment into my science project."

"I suggest we consider this whole matter as merely a minor youthful indiscretion."

"Mr. Ferguson says I'm holding him back from winning the Teacher of the Year award."

"Michael, I'm afraid you have the wrong idea about our debate team."

"I brought with me a jury of my peers."

"Well, doesn't anyone know where the geography class is being held?"

"I TOLD you this wouldn't work. She STILL called on me!"

"Well yes, we had spell checkers when I went to school. We called them teachers."

"I guess close isn't good enough."

"Is it too late for a retraction?"

"I know I only passed one class. That means I'm a specialist."

"These are the cheap old-fashioned kind. They don't come with a screen or keyboard."

"I'm reading my book backwards. I know who did it, but I don't know yet what he did."

"No, I don't care to hear your conspiracy theory."

"My teachers refuse to accept me the way I am."

"I got detention today because I refused to reveal Dad as my confidential homework source."

"Is this test to find out what I know, or to find out what I don't know?"

"...And so, how long have you been moonlighting from your teacher's job, Mrs. Harris?"

"Martin, we call this the second grade. It is not called a sequel to the first grade."

"Oh no! My flea circus got away."

"It has been said that Pinocchio could never have been a politician."

"Well no, I don't have trouble reading kids' papers. I used to be a pharmacist"

Happy Graduation!

"You should be proud of me, Mom. I went down in history."

"Wow! Studying sure comes in handy."

"You should never say always, and you should always avoid saying never."

"I'm home, Mom. Guess what I learned in chemistry class today."

"No wonder the kid's exhausted. He's been playing a duet."

"Boy! If we learn from our mistakes, today should have made me pretty smart."

"This note from your mother is a forgery. ... But your penmanship is better than usual."

"Let me put it this way, Daniel. I hope you haven't rented a cap and gown yet."

"I'm blaming my grades on the global economy. How about you?"

"I should be good at this. Everybody says I'm a problem child."

"Robert, his name is Napoleon Bonaparte, not Napoleon Blownapart."

This week's seminar topic: Indecision

"The Rossi twins turned in identical autobiographies. Now to figure out who copied from whom."

"Let us begin by saying none of us is here to affix blame."

"The good news is that I came in under budget."

"I lost my homework in my backpack."

"I should have bought some vowels."

"I'm sorry, Roger, but the fact that you receive many presents at Christmas does not qualify you as a gifted student."

"Yes, I know I finished in the bottom 5%, but I prefer to look at it as the top 95%."

"Wow! You got all A's, you poor guy. With marks like this, all you'll get for Christmas are educational toys."

"Boy, they never let up, do they?"

"Some guy at the PTA meeting said he pays my salary. I asked him for a raise."

"I need some of Mrs. Martha's oatmeal so I can fix the loose cover on my textbook."

"... and please keep in mind that 'whatever' is never accepted as an answer to a question."

"Bradley, don't you dare fly that airplane in this classroom!"

"But I'm just trying to offer a fresh point of view."

"Since I'm out of 1st grade, I can now make educated guesses."

"Since today is Monday, you should throw in some no-brainers."

"I had to go to camp because my dad never had the opportunity."

"He does the meaning of life. I do the meaning of aptitude tests."

"Hi there, Mr. Parker, I'm back. Did you miss me during the summer?"

"When you go to school here, you learn that two is company but 35 is really a crowd."

"We pride ourselves on running a very safe school here."

"It never hurts to say you're in therapy."

"You mean my data appears flawed?"

"I never realized computers got sick time for having viruses."

"OK, that's my essay. I'll now take any rhetorical questions anyone might have."

"I got a D?" I must have been myth-understood."

"Jimmy, I know you haven't done anything. That's just the problem."

"Mr. Grimes, do you have an e-mail address in case I have a question about the homework?"

"I know, Mrs. Ragsdale. A day in February because there are fewer of them."

"Don't take it so hard, Betty. I'm sure we can find a new babysitter in the freshman class."

"I've gotten a computer upgrade, so how come my grades aren't up?"

"New for dogs: Homework."

"I know I could do better work, but couldn't we all do better work?"

"Byron, I'm afraid you haven't been going to school long enough to have an educated guess. "

"Ben Franklin may have discovered electricity, but it was the guy who invented the electric meter who made all the money. "

"Guess who was voted 'Most Evolved' at my class reunion?"

"Are you sure this wasn't on an episode of 'Unsolved Mysteries?'"

"It wasn't me. I don't even have his address."

"We don't have to tell the truth, you know. It's not like we're under oath."

"Are you sure your regular teacher never tries to teach you anything?"

"Holmes schooling"

"How can my punctuation be so bad? I'm always on time, aren't I?"

"When I grow up, I want to sue to become president."

"OK, those with heavy backpacks move to the front of the bus."

"Mrs. Barns, I said your son Joey has a bad habit of making disgusting noises with his mouth."

"When is your birthday?"

"Did you feel that? The current semester just went into overdrive!"

"No wonder it's subtracting instead of adding. The batteries are in backwards."

Will eat homework for good home.

". . . OK, that wraps it up. The actual and unabridged version will be available from my Web site."

"I know your teachers are very demanding and all the kids avoid you, but you have to go to school, Dear. You're the principal!"

"Jeffrey, what you did is called plagiarism not cloning."

"Well, it's gone to snowing. I suppose I'll be hearing how my dad had to walk to school in blizzards again."

"Yes, I'm sure those grades are yours, and not the result of identity theft."

"Our Mr. Bixby has just recently invented edu-tainment."

"Since this is a geography book, shouldn't it have a table of continents?"

"Well now, sometimes the Earth is round, and sometimes it's flat."

"Here's my report card. I wanted to leave plenty of room for improvement."

"When I asked for a smaller class, I meant fewer students."

"She can't decide whether to reason with us or send us to the principal's office."

"It's gotten so that by the time I've called the roll, the class is over."

"Oh no! My flea circus got away."

"Well, Michaels, if you've been saving your brain for a special occasion, this is it."

"No matter how you look at it, this beats working for a living."

"I don't care what they do on TV, Jerome, you cannot call a life line."

"We already know you, Mrs. Orstead. The kids in your last school e-mailed us all about you."

English teachers have the write stuff.

"That's very thoughtful of you, Byron, but I can't accept your early retirement even if it does relieve the overcrowding."

"How come they've never done a 'Survivor' show from school"

"Sorry to have to pull rank on you like this, Miss Houston"

"Marcie L...Jamie...Richard..."

"So, other than that, how was your first day as a teacher?"

"You mean you actually expect us to generate real hard copy correspondence?"

"Golly, you'd think that Winston Churchill would be the answer to at least one of these questions."

"A giant fire-breathing dragon ate my homework."

"Chemistry stinks. That's what I like about it."

"Of course we have to come back next year. They depend on repeat business, you know."

"No, I'm not in favor of home schooling."

Test results today

"Good heavens! You mean I'm going to grow up to be like my parents?"

"... so let me send you out into the world with these few words of wisdom ... "

"There's one good thing about the good old days."

"Aren't you worried you might be lowering my self-esteem?"

"School was great today. We had a fire drill."

"I hope you'll notice how I've included creative spellling in my creative writing."

"Not available in CD ROM."

"Let's remember not to blame the messenger."

"Good? That's perfect."

"We can recognize three basic food groups. These are canned, frozen, and carry-out."

"Good news Mabel, I got a job in a biology lab!"

"Is this your first year running with the bulls?"

"Football, Hockey, Basketball, and Baseball!"

"I was thinking more of something on paper."

"You're WRITING a note to my mother? Wow, how quaint!"

"Wow! If we learn from our mistakes, I ought to be a genius by now."

"Boy, what a day! I had to print an apology in the school newspaper."

"Golly, Dad, I have no idea as to what happened to your reading glasses."

"Well, I learned about another one of my teacher's pet peeves today."

"I prefer to think of it as being held over due to popular demand instead of staying after school."

"Well, Dad, wouldn't you say that those were 'open the purse-strings' marks?"

"School's not bad. It looks like history is going to be my easiest subject."

"Study hard, son, and someday you'll be on Jeopardy."

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